dr david bull

Welcome to la la land!

In Opinion Pieces on March 27, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Now I know I’m not entirely sane. I’ve got my quirks and foibles, but here in LA, I positively look like the bastion of normality.

If I’m ever feeling down, I only have to glance out of my window to see a man dressed as Jesus with a full beard and smock, a septagenarian in tight lycra on rollerskates or buffed up oiled torsos of the West Hollywood posse.

I’ve lived in London for 20 years. It’s a City where you just get on with things. Head down, focussed on our goals, we work hard and play hard. But we also conform to a certain normality. That just doesn’t exist here.

And it’s very infectious.

I’ve never been a fussy eater, mostly because I’m a pig and I love food. But I have always known that I probably have an intolerance to something or other but (a) I’ve been far too preoccupied with other things to ever see to it and (b) the UK doesn’t really do food intolerance very well and certainly doesn’t cater for people with a wide variety of food alternatives. We have the attitude that if it’s good enough for me, then it’s good enough for everyone else!

A year ago, armed with newfound enthusiasm, I did the LA thing and cut out cow’s milk, opting instead for Almond milk (since men shouldn’t drink soya unless you are particularly fond of man breasts! ). It’s actually rather good. And you can get it everywhere. Imagine trying to get that in a Little Chef in the UK. Or in most hotels!

And so given that I am in the land of the insane, I have now been tested to see what I’m intolerant to.

The results are not good.

So I am moderately intolerant to Wheat, Cashew and Shrimp and have to cut them out of my diet for six months!

WHAT!

I love breakfast and a G&T isn’t the same without Cashews. If that wasn’t enough of an insult I’ve also been told to cut out Gin! That’s akin to social death for me.

Then I am mildly intolerant to just a FEW more foods – Almond, Asparagus, Peppers, Black Pepper, Cabbage, Cauliflower, Cherry, CHICKEN,Cinnamon, Clam, COW’S MILK, EGG YOLK, Aubergine, Fructose, Garlic, HALIBUT, LOBSTER, PEANUT, pear, plum, SALMON, SNAPPER, soybean, TUNA, TURKEY and Vanilla . These have to be excluded for four months. Oh well that’s alright then… . NOT!

I have another 200 substances I am waiting to find out about. So that’s going to really add to my pain.

So as I said to the dietician this morning, this is all very well and very purist but there appears to be one slight issue.

I CAN’T EAT ANYTHING!

Well not quite true but the list of foods I can eat is rather shorter than the list of those that I can’t.

But I’m a Brit and I’ve paid for these tests and I’m jolly well going to get my money’s worth. So out go all those nasty foods.

Oh apparently I also have to give up alcohol for six months.

The answer to that was NO.

Now I have no doubt that this diet (sorry healthy eating plan) will yield results. I’m sure that I will not get any symptoms and I am sure that I will lose weight and look super slim and la la like  but that’s mostly because I will be starving.

Who’s idea was this anyway? …it’s the insidious nature of LA which means you get sucked up into the latest health fad…..

Anyway I’d better go – I’ve got to prepare some Barley for my supper! If I’m feeling daring I might throw in a carrot!

After all, if you can’t beat them……..join them!

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